Feeding your Soul

Why Real Self-Care Isn’t Instagrammable

When people are facing the end of their life, they rarely talk about facials or fancy teas. What they do talk about — with heartbreaking clarity — are the moments they wish they had felt more present for. They talk about connection. Peace. Meaning.

Working in palliative care, I had the privilege of sitting with people during their most honest hours. And what I saw was this: the things that sustain us aren't always the ones that look good in a grid. Real self-care isn’t a photoshoot. It’s quiet. It’s ordinary. It’s deeply personal.

It’s learning how to say no without guilt.
It’s noticing what you need before you hit a wall.
It’s allowing joy without needing to earn it.

Sometimes it’s making a hard decision that puts you back in your own life. Sometimes it’s just getting out of bed and walking outside.

The truth is, we live in a culture that sells us “self-care” that looks great but doesn’t always help. But you deserve more than a moment of escape. You deserve care that actually cares for you — even if no one sees it, likes it, or double-taps it.

Coping vs. Caring

Here’s where many of us get stuck: what looks like self‑care can actually be coping. Wine after work. Checking social media. Buying nicer candles. These things help. They buy relief. But relief isn’t renewal.

Research supports this. A recent meta‑analysis found that mindfulness‑based interventions reduced burnout and emotional exhaustion among healthcare professionals in about two‑thirds of the studies reviewed. Frontiers+1 Another randomized trial found a 5‑session mindfulness program significantly lowered stress and anxiety among health‑care workers. JAMA Network The takeaway? Intentional self‑care helps, and it often shows up in small doses of real presence, not curated scenes.

What Real Self‑Care Can Look Like

• Saying “no” before you’re angry.

• Letting one week go unplanned.

• Choosing a nap knowing it’s part of your story.

• Laughing without explaining why you deserve it.

• Turning your phone off while you eat lunch — because you can.

Some days it’s braver to do less than more.

You don’t need a new routine, you need a new relationship with your rest. A relationship where rest doesn’t mean you’re behind — it means you’re home.

- Joy Keller, LCSW

Please enjoy this photo of my cat modeling emotional regulation.